The "Jeremy Kyle Show" on ITV2, where a Lake/Oprah/Montel
wannabe gets to bully a bunch of no-hopers into being better people,
their big thing being the "lie detector" (no, I didn't have sex with an alien!)
Here are my personal thoughts and opinions on the useful channels that are available with the Free To Air method (i.e. no card required, batteries not included).
If the channel number and name are shown in blue, and possibly underlined, these are links to the website of the channel in question...
September 2006 - completely revised and rewritten with new material.
These are the BBC channels that we know and love. There has been a lot of debate of recent about the 'superior' attitude of the BBC, coupled with the £36-a-year price rise in the television licence (bringing it to something in the region of £140, nearly €200, or US$250!). This is not cheap, but to the BBC's credit they offer an advert-free service of mostly good quality programming (if we ignore EastEnders), and their main channels have not been polluted by endless variations on a reality-TV theme (even the ones that they have - such as Strictly Come Dancing are classy) or after-hours being a 'gaming' channel.
What I like...
Most nights, 11pm to midnight, they show a movie. The factual programmes are reliable without pandering to the 'oooh look at me, aren't I great' mentality (unless you count Top Gear!), and it isn't impossible to have the heavy issues of the week discussed in This Week followed by Friday Night with Jonathan Ross which will let you unwind with a smirk.
What I don't like...
There are many things I don't like, but these are personal prejudices of mine. For example the BBC has a history of making decent period dramas. Can't stand them myself, but I'm not going to pick holes in them just because they're not 'my cup of tea'.
My wish-list...
Teletext? BBC2 goes 'to bed' for an hour or so, between closedown and when the educational programmes start. You'll also notice that the time is spent, as is historical, showing teletext pages set to relaxing music. Why doesn't BBC (on digital transmit) the complete Ceefax service on at least one of its channels? This digital text is nice and all, but I can't get my computer to find me the things I want to see, I have to press 'red' and browse the menus myself. BBC TWO broadcasts an extremely cut-down version of teletext which appears to consist of the TV schedules and contact addresses for programmes. This is a good start - with a little bit of luck they'll put the entire teletext service on at least one channel (it doesn't matter which!). Thing is, a lot of programmes still refer to teletext page numbers (cooking recipes, information for something seen on South Today...) which simply aren't available to digital viewers...
Things I like to watch...
Several of the films. They're not all to my taste, but I do often add the films to my 'personal planner'. Lizzie McGuire (sorry, I just happen to like it!). Medium. Sea of Souls...
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
Probably a good film.
Most memorable thing on recently...
Casualty, Christmas 2006 two-parter. It was beautifully filmed, and by captioning whose story we are following and then having the parallel action in separate segments (rather like a number of Japanese films) rather than everything unwinding together and cutting between, it added an extra layer to the episodes.
The second episode's story arc is twofold. The hunt for the crazy mother and her now-comatose daughter, and what happened to Josh (the paramedic) when crazy mother stabbed him.
It wasn't until right to the end we watch Ellen (a nurse who recently overcame leukemia and was a strong person and probably a source of inspiration for many viewers with similar ailment) try to catch up with the mother after she bolted from an earlier conversation. Only, she never gets that far. A motercyclist, speeding in the car-park, sends Ellen as the next member of the team to enter the ED as a patient. While we spent a long and gory time keeping Josh alive, they call it on Ellen before we're even fully up to speed as to what exactly happened. Quick, brutal, and so totally wrong. Why her? Why can't they have run over that useless twit Nathan (the administator whose sole purpose seems to be to justify his own job)? Taking her out, especially like that, was - as I said - so completely wrong, and it completely blindsides you. Merry Christmas, maybe...
To sum it up...
For two channels trying to attact a general audience, I think the BBC have it about right.
For those calling for the BBC to be pay-per-view, I certainly feel that the licence fee rising £36 in one year is a lot - but it is worthwhile considering what the other options are. Can you honestly say your mind is satiated with ITV's output? Shall we even consider the subscription option (that you not only pay for, but also contains advertising)?
I should also point out that the French pay a television licence ('rédevance'), which I think is something in the order of £65-70 a year. So many people were not paying it that as of 2005, it is included in your tax (d'habitation); and I will also point out that all of the terrestrial channels (TF1, France2, France3, etc) carry advertising... so while the UK licence fee may be mainly to fund the BBC, at least the BBC get most of it! Don't be so naïve to imagine that if the BBC went pay-per-view (which would hit all of us ex-pats and those in Europe who turn to the BBC for information or just to practice the English language), don't dare be so naïve as to think that the government will abandon the licence fee. It may drop down, but you'll still pay it and the money sure-as-hell wouldn't go towards programming. And if we lost the BBC to the realms of subscription TV, it would be a devastating blow to broadcasting around the world - for surely you anti-licence-fee people aren't silly enough to think the BBC is just "two stupid channels I don't want and a few others on digital"? The BBC's range encompasses an amazing array of channels, facilities, and events across the globe.
There is a reason why the BBC has a 'superior' attitude. It's because they are...
A special mention to the BBC 1 region that I know and love!
What I (used to) like...
Alina Jenkins presenting the weather. She 'retired' in summer 2006, shortly after making history by presenting the first-ever weather report from a roller-coaster. Well done her, but I'm actually quite surprised one of the US networks hadn't thought of this first! Nerr-nerr!
The ITV network was the original 'independent' (i.e. non-government sponsored, non-BBC) option. The name means "Independent TeleVision", and it was part of the IBA (Independent Broadcasting Authority). It has always had an 'interesting' relationship alongside the BBC, and is often thought of as television for the (braindead) masses. Unfortunately a quick look at the schedules won't do much to make you think otherwise. In my opinion, one of ITV's worst decisions in recent times has been to devote 3-4 hours a night to 'gaming' television.
ITV is always going to have to appeal to the majority because they are largely funded through advertising, a bigger audience share means more money. Simple economics, but perhaps not so simple to work out how to get the desired audience share?
For some reason, viewers who have no card in their Digibox receive the "ITV1 Central-West" region. This is Birmingham and environs, and is a somewhat interesting choice (given that ITV1 London is on the same transponder!).
Unlike the BBC, the ITV regions are not in the EPG and must be added 'manually' and chosen from the 'Other Channels' menu. (more details on this)
What I like...
Good teletext (videotext) service. Forget the red button, and press text on any ITV channel!
What I don't like...
Love Island, The Mint, so many adverts for sofas - do people really drop everything and run to the XYZZY half-price sale just like that?!? If the general public is really that fickle and moronic then maybe ITV have perfectly sussed their target market and it is me that is wrong!
My wish-list...
Less of the 'reality' style of programming. How about bringing back something like The James Whale Show. It would also be nice to have a few programmes that are intellectually interesting. And please please please get Sky to reprogram the EPG to make some other ITV region be the default? I can't take the depressing Birmingham regional news (not the presenters, the news itself). It's evidently not a part of the country I'd ever care to visit!
Things I like to watch...
Surface, Numb3rs, Afterlife.
Used to: Rosemary & Thyme (read more).
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
I wouldn't stop the world, but I would set the VCR for Numb3rs and Supernatural.
Most memorable thing on recently...
The ITV midnight service for Christmas, 2006. It was a relaxed laid-back affair with singing from the likes of Alfie Boe, All Angels, and Katherine Jenkins (oh look, half of Classic FM TV's playlist!). It presented the necessary parts of the Christmas service without getting all self-important, and it was actually a pleasure to watch - with the notable exception of the word "noël" being dumbed-down in the on-screen captions to "nowell", which I really hope is just a touch of illiteracy on the part of the caption programmer and not ITV's intended spelling of the word. I felt quite okay, thank you, so I was not 'nowell'.
To sum it up...
Some stuff worth watching, but an awful lot of rubbish too.
A quick wave to the region I used to watch in England... It is not in the EPG list, hence no channel number. It must be added manually. (more details on this)
These are the BBC's most recent channels, available on digital platforms. It seems as if BBC THREE is trying to appeal to the ITV market, while BBC FOUR tries to be 'artier' and deeper than BBC 2 (i.e. the way BBC 2 was a decade or two ago).
What I like...
The foreign language films - especially Angela (Italian) and The Princess and The Warrior (Der Krieger und die Kaiserin, German); as well as showing Doctor Who with a director's commentary.
My wish-list...
BBC FOUR - more foreign language (pref. subtitled) films. You can discover things about a country by the films it makes, a good example here is the French Les temps de porte-plume (2005) - if this film makes it to BBC FOUR you'll see exactly what I mean!
Things I like to watch...
Films! Sci-fi (such as Event Horizon) and interesting-sounding foreign films. Might I suggest a regular 'slot' for these? Like "every Sunday night at 11pm" or something?
Things I (would have) stop(ped) the world to watch...
I really liked the BBC THREE News (with Sevi and Paddy) because it had a nicely irreverent attitude towards the news, it focused on the more amusing and slightly wackier stories while providing loads of information, and it didn't obsess over the bullet-ridden bloodshed that so often leads the headlines these days.
In computer terms, there is the expression 'killer application' for a software package that is so awesome that it, alone, will sell the computer system. Sibelius is a good example. Well, the BBC THREE News was my 'killer application'. Now my schedule is empty at 7pm, I have nothing to rush home for... because the programme was cancelled. It is no more.
And that's a real shame, for the news takes itself so damn seriously that I no longer bother to watch it at all any more. I get what I need off the interactive headlines...
Most memorable thing on recently...
Torchwood. Some episodes have been stronger than others, but the same was true of Buffy...
To sum it up...
With fewer repeats of BBC THREE-only material, and perhaps a stronger identity of what exactly these channels are trying to be/reach, they could do well.
ITV2 appears to be aimed at the twenty-something demographic, this channel's line up contains a lot of additional X-Factor programmes (behind the scenes, behind the scenes of behind the scenes, what the gerbil thought of the performances, and so forth).
ITV3's line-up contains... Chicago Hope, Peak Practice, LA Law, The Practice, Karen Sisco, Maigret, Quincy, Cadfael...
ITV4 is ITV's newest mainstream channel. I'm not sure what the demographic is, it appears to contain a good degree of sci-fi programming.
What I like...
ITV3 - seeing numerous programmes ahead of the ITV1 showing (Surface, Supernatural, etc).
ITV4 - Dark Skies
What I don't like...
ITV Play. There is a channel called ITV Play (#856), could we shift all the late-night game programmes onto this and have something decent on ITV1 (etc) instead?
My wish-list...
It might sound dead-cheesy, but... Robocop: The series, AirWolf, Nightrider and all the sort of tame A-Teamish sci-fi that used to be on Saturday afternoons...
It seems the Val Kilmer - Joanne Whalley-Kilmer film Kill Me Again has made yet another appearance! :-) Why not something with style? The visual eye-candy feast that is The Neverending Story (original, not the sequel) or how about the stylish Enemy Mine. Bonus Brownie Points if you can spot the connection between these two suggestions.
Things I like to watch...
At this exact moment in time? Dark Skies. I'm reliving my childhood with Space: 1999. Both ITV4.
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
I hear there's a new series of Supernatural in the making...
Most memorable thing on recently...
All three of the channels have shown some good films recently, the likes of The Bourne Identity and Double Jeopardy.
To sum it up...
I like the idea of pre-showing ITV1 programmes on ITV2/ITV3 (because often the ITV1 times are not so convenient to me). I have figured ITV2 as a 20-something channel, and ITV4 seems to have a sci-fi bias. Perhaps it might be useful for these channels to forge a stronger identify for themselves, instead of "stuff that isn't on ITV1 (yet)"!
All this captured-on-video garbage that makes 'filler' programmes on normal channels. This is the sort of stuff Sky One would show in between episodes of Star Trek: Whatever and The Simpsons.
I must admit that there is a certain (short-lived) fascination in watching the dumb-ass criminals tearing down a freeway knowing that twenty-odd cop cars are following, along with a police helicopter and two news helicopters. Perhaps the most public, extreme, and known example is the chase of O.J.Simpson? Yeah, it's that sort of stuff.
On a tamer note there is a fascination, also, in 21st Century Morons where people with regular video cameras attempt to outdo the well-known Jackass team. Sure, if you wanna take a flying leap off of your apartment building into a nearby tree while you are being filmed... it'll be your ass in bandages, not mine...
Things I like to watch...
I'd watch Jackass 'cos it is morbidly amusing. And the possibly-spun-off Viva La Bam... but both are MTV productions so will be on MTV (which is not FTA in the UK).
To sum it up...
Actually, I said it before, I'll say it again - the entire content of these channels is forgettable. I might stop by if there is nothing else that I want to watch, otherwise I think it's a case of "seen one police chase from the air, seen 'em all".
Because when I see a programme with titles like America's Scariest Police Chases...
While many people slated Channel 4 since it's introduction for lowering the standards of television, I think most people actually missed a lot of the subtlety of the channel. Consider Countdown (with the late Richard Madeley) that launched the channel and carried on non-stop since. It must have been the most learned intellectual regular programme on British television, and considering what I've seen of US TV, I would be inclined to add 'in the entire Western world' (if not the entire world). That sais, Channel 4 do do the occasional thing that messes up the whole plan and confirms in people's minds the depths of depravity they'll go to. Once upon a time it was Eurotrash, and maybe later this year it will be the W*** Week exposé on the usually private act of masturbation. Go figure.
Another little spin-off of Channel 4 was a concentration, financing, and support of independent British cinema. To this end, they launched a subscription-only film channel to showcase not only their films, but the best of films. In the summer of 2006 the channel took on advertising in return for being completely free-to-air. And, let me tell you, right now this is my #1 channel (yes, even ahead of Zone Horror!). In it's first two months I found films to watch on Film4 almost every day of the week. Wanna know why it took me so long to get around to writing this? I was probably watching Film4...
What I like...
Oh my God - where to start? Okay, in no order and probably forgetting loads: Evolution, Calvaire, A Clockwork Orange, Kiki's Delivery Service, Along Came A Spider, A Life Less Ordinary, Save The Last Dance, The Cat Returns, The Hole, Nausicaä of the Valley of The Winds (say like 'nah-oosh-ka'), Stepmom...
What I don't like...
Nothing. Film4 rocks! :-)
My wish-list...
More animé. While I would like to see 'harder' animé (Genocyber, the Armitage III series, Appleseed, etc), I would also be interested in seeing more of the likes of the 'Studio Ghibli' films. It's not a 'cartoon' and it isn't 'just for kids', people that think that have clearly never watched anything more advanced than Snow White!
Things I like to watch...
Same as for BBC FOUR - subtitles do not bother me. A good solid film with an engaging story, whatever the language.
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
I didn't know about it until I had seen it, but I would have stopped the world for Battle Royale. See below.
Most memorable thing on recently...
Had I written this page a few days ago, I'd have said the sheer style gushing out of A Clockwork Orange - which is very much its era without the slightest hint of cheesiness about it. It stands up against modern efforts (and pretty much trounces them without breaking a sweat).
If I wanted to be less controversial, or was in a happier frame of mind, I might suggest the lovely story, beautifully animated, that is Kiki's Delivery Service.
That all changed very early in the morning of Wednesday 20th September 2006. That was when I decided I might as well watch a film about a bunch of Japanese schoolkids because I didn't feel tired and I didn't feel like programming.
Battle Royale appeared on the screen, and from beginning to end it was raw and violent and sumptuous. How to describe it? Goodness! The basic plot is not that far removed from Lord Of The Flies. Society has broken down and kids run rampant. Adults fear the kids, so they have taken the steps of setting up an island. Every year, a class 'wins' the opportunity to compete. Within three days, there must be the only survivor. If there isn't, the neck-straps that the kids are wearing will kick into action and everybody will be killed.
We follow a class who are going on a field-trip. Actually, they're the (un?)lucky ones who get to play the Battle Royale. The children are given a backpack containing rations and a weapon (which may or may not be useful). There are a few well-'ard kids, a lot of soft kids that don't really understand that they are going to be killed, and a total psycho in love with a machine gun.
If you can imagine Lord Of The Flies written by somebody who must have been on his eighth caffeine hit since ten minutes ago, who probably got rat-assed and stayed up all night, and grew up addicted to Wolfenstein and Takashi's Castle, you might have an inkling of what this film is like. If you can stomach the gore, you might appreciate this film for widening your horizons considerably. It has some lovely touches designed to unsettle you even more - like a running score of who's just bought it and how many kids are to go. The suicides are plentiful and graphic, the murders moreso. This film is just completely raw, and in it's own sick way, completely amazing.
To sum it up...
Mind-blowing. More! More! 321 Zone Horror (read my reviews of some of their films)
A channel specialising in horror movies and TV series.
What I like...
A good horror movie! You can read my reviews to find out more, and see reviews of about 100 different horror movies.
My wish-list...
Here goes! :-)
I must set aside one of my favourite films from the '70s:
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
A movie such as Asylum Night.
Most memorable thing on recently...
The various 'Troma Team' releases, certainly memorable...! The most recent (December 2006) film that I liked a lot was "Left In Darkness" which, being shown on the 16th, was a nice birthday present...
To sum it up...
Maybe you think horror movies need zombies. Fair enough. "City of the Walking Dead", "Dawn of the Dead", "Day of the Dead", "Night of the Living Dead", "Brain Dead", and no doubt half a dozen other movies with 'dead' in the title.
Perhaps the Troma Team's "Toxic Avenger" and its sequels would amuse you in a way that a zombie movie can't quite manage? Tromie, the giant mutant squirrel makes an appearance in the disgustingly perverted "Class of Nuke 'Em High" part two. Well, I would consider it a horror to be urinated on by a 30-foot tall radioactive squirrel.
Whatever... Zone Horror is where you'll get your horror movie fix.
All movies 'based on a true story'. Some of these are quite good (look out for anything starring Kellie Martin) while others are kinda sick-inducing.
Yes, they have shown "the one with the kid down the well"...
What I like...
Something that doesn't have a sweet syrupy happy "Annie" ending that makes you want to projectile-vomit over the television from the other side of the room...
What I don't like...
Those sweet syrupy happy "Annie" endings that make you want to projectile-vomit over the television from the other side of the room...
Things I'd stop the world to watch...
Probably nothing, but I'd tape a Kellie Martin film...
To sum it up...
Is this necessary? Doesn't the channel name explain itself?
Music videos of songs in the charts.
What I don't like...
Most of the pop music since the '80s...
My wish-list...
For somebody to launch WestLife into space, followed by most of the other cheesy boy-bands.
For people to get fed up with rap so I don't have to listen to rich black people rhyming about what bro' shot what other bro'; or a rich white guy rhyming about how he and Kimberley might not kill each other this week for the sake of Hailie...
To sum it up...
This channel is only as bad as the music it plays. Unfortunately...
Music videos from 'The Vault'. Old stuff (mostly '80s and '90s 'old').
What I like...
The likes of "The Cure", "Spandau Ballet", "The Pet Shop Boys" (in their good days), etc.
What I don't like...
There's no playlist (interactive/teletext/etc) so you have to take it as it comes...
My wish-list...
Red-button for today's playlist!
To sum it up...
Music videos that were, not that are.
Music "b4" it is released and in the charts.
What I don't like...
There's no playlist (does this sound familiar?).
My wish-list...
Red-button for today's playlist!
To sum it up...
Music videos that may be, not that are.
With an line-up ranging from screechy noises and Bryn/Pavarotti to Hayley Westenra to the various guises of Emily Ovenden to gothic rock to the outstanding young Angelis... this channel is very difficult to define. Some stuff is 'classic' as I understand it, some isn't. Some of it I like a lot, some I absolutely hate. It's an interesting channel to watch; and given the general genre, a comprehension of Italian wouldn't go amiss.
What I like...
Catherine Jenkins, Adiemus, Hayley Westenra, Triniti, Cantamus Choir, Angelis, All Angels, Enya...
What I don't like...
Screechy opera stuff.
My wish-list...
More Hayley? :-)
For non-English-language songs, would it be possible to have a display of what language the song is in? Some are obvious - Amici Forever sing things in Italian. Some are less obvious - Celtic Legend feat. Emily Ovenden's "Song of Tomorrow", is that Welsh? Some, like Sigur Ros' "Hoppipolla" leave me flummoxed. I've been told it is the Icelandic word for 'jumping in puddles'. I wouldn't have guessed that.
Most memorable thing on recently...
The Scala Choir performing their choral version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I actually found this to be quite creepy!
The video for Sigur Ros' "Hoppipolla", where old people are acting like kids. Great idea!
Katherine Jenkins' take on the Bryan Adams song "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)". Lovely.
To sum it up...
Nice relaxing music to code through the night with!
These are the UK's 24 hour news channels. When something is happening in the world, it'll be shown to you live and then over-analysed on these channels. See below for non-UK.
My perceptions:
The soft-spoken Irish weathergirl on Sky News Active.
What I don't like...
Seeing yet more pictures of places blown up in Israel/by the Israelis/in Iraq/by insurgents... one must surely wonder how much these people would bother if the media stopped giving such actions headline slots on the news programmes.
My wish-list...
To turn on the TV just one day, and find that nobody was killed, nobody hates anybody else, and cats can speak. I throw in that last one because it is in human nature to maim and kill each other for astonishingly petty differences - the epitomy of all pointless murder being in the name of religion, an entity that cannot be proven. Not that it matters when you're packing heat, it's an excuse.
To sum it up...
Something happened? See it, hear it, get bored of it ... all on your favourite 24 hour news channel!
These are the non-UK 24 hour news channels. Sometimes it can be interesting to see how events that are important to the UK unfold on the overseas news channels; and additionally other news services may benefit from not having the hidden political desire to 'play ball'. The report over Guantanamo on Al Jazeera was apparently very direct and to the point. It's about time...
My perceptions:
Seeing if big hoo-hahs in the UK even make it as news articles internationally.
What I don't like...
The red button does nothing on all of these channels. It is a shame, as most of my news updates come from BBCi and ITV teletext - simply because I can get the news when it is convenient to me, and in a matter of minutes.
EuroNews has a teletext service, which is good, but this requires a traditional teletext-capable receiver (TV or computer add-on), the Digibox can't display the pages on-screen by itself.
My wish-list...
To have some form of interactive text service on the international news channels. In 2006 CNN did away with their comprehensive teletext service - one of the best teletext news services around - it is my hope that they are abandoning this in favour of something red-button.
To sum it up...
All news services are biased. All people are biased. This isn't a fault, it is human nature. Quite often an event will occur and different people will feel differently about it, which will come through even if they try hard to be 'unbiased'.
I understand that CNN will be pro-American. I understand that France24 will be pro-French. I understand that Al Jazeera will be pro-Arab. This is not a fault, it is to be expected.
This is why a number of news channels are a good thing. You can take a big story, and watch the coverage from a selection of channels, all with their biasses. And, you know what, somewhere in the middle of it all you may be able to piece together in your head an unbiased account of what happened.
That is the Rick perspective on the channels that I spent time watching. For all of the rest, you have three options: