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Retrieved from https://heyrick.eu/blog/entry/20190200 on 1st April 2025
We DEMAND your compliance!
HeyRick and our 1,238,353,574 partners demand your consent to pillage and manipulate your personal life in accordance with the following completely legitimate reasons.
We will even pretend to give you the option to opt-out.
Store and/or access information on a device
Your files are important to us. We expect no less than the ability to freely access everything you, your friends and your family, have ever created if it is held in electronic form on your device. We also expect the ability to dump our own rubbish there as and when it suits us.
Consent
Use data to select advertising
Our mission in life is to deluge you in piles and piles of utter bollocks, therefore we require the ability to analyse all of your data in order to predict what scams you are liable to be dumb enough to fall for.
Consent
Create profiles
We want to know who you are and what you do, right down to the consistency of your stools - anything and everything that we can monetise by selling you to random third parties.
Consent
Measure performance
We need to be sure that what we are doing is effective, or if we need to need to consider alternative options.
Consent
Match and combine data from other sources
You think you're anonymous? You fool. By using the Power Of Greyskull AI we can correlate information from a thousand or more sources to know exactly who you are. We will know you better than your mother knows you, and we will absolutely match her level of disappointment.
Consent
Access other devices on your network
We intend to probe your network to look for weaknesses that can be exploited, especially webcams, Alexa, and so on. We love webcams, they can be quite revealing.
Consent
Bank account information
If we cannot sell your information, then we should be permitted to just take our expenses from your bank. This works for us, why doesn't it work for you? Shut up and hand over the deets.
Consent
Use precise geolocation
Your life is ours. We will know everything. Where you go, who you see, even those times you hide in a public toilet for a quick wank. We. Will. Know.
Consent
Biological liaisons
We reserve the right to claim your firstborn daughter, unless she is ugly, in which case go back and try again (see above: we will know if you don't).
Consent
Political liaisons
We may require people to take the heat for our political meddling. You agree that if your profile matches our purposes, that we may leave incriminating files on your computer and then anonymously tip off law enforcement.
