Rick's b.log - entry 2025/01/15

God says Hi

Blood gushed out, a high pressure fountain. It sprayed across the walls. It sprayed across the ceiling. Here is a terrible "artists impression" generated by an AI. It is a bit abstract because the AI was not happy with having sharp things and body parts in the same image...so when I removed the finger and replaced it with a hotdog (!), it instead drew a knife. Oh, the joy of AI. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ouch.

The blood was beautiful. More vivid than I was expecting.

Then I realised that it was my blood.

And I screamed.

And cried.

And peed.

And clutched my chest, keeling over.
Quite dead.

When I opened an eyeball and groggily sat myself up, I could see nothing but white. I was on a floor, which was white, but there was no form to anything. Just white.

Facing me was God, impatiently tapping a tentacle on the floor. "You again?", she said with unmasked disdain, "What is it this time?".

I held up my finger. The massive eight millimetre gash clearly visible.

"Oh, for the love of me, slap a bandage on it and go away you idiot."

"Huh? Isn't this, like, heaven?"

"Typical human. Let's get a few things straight, shall we? First of all, there is no heaven. Nor is there any 'salvation'. You have the miracle of being alive, but that just isn't good enough is it? You want more. Well, what in the name of The Dark Place makes you think I'm interested in saving any of you anyway? You are basically lifeforms in a petri dish. I set the conditions just right to kick-start life on this planet, and many many interesting things developed. Then came little unassuming apes and one of them evolved opposable thumbs and, frankly, it's been downhill since then."

"The... Dark... what?"

"The Dark Place. You idiots see magma coming out of the ground and you think that's where the bad people go. Most lifeforms, good or bad, just cease to exist. I already mentioned there isn't a heaven. There isn't a hell either. But I do have a place that I reserve for the especially evil, and it is called The Dark Place. Imagine an eternity of nothing. No light, no sound, no feeling, no touch, no warmth, nobody else, nothing. That's where you go if you anger me."

"What angers you the most?", I ask, to get a clue about what not to do.

"Killing each other supposedly in my name tends to rub my tentacles up the wrong way. Using a skewed and cherry-picked belief of what you think I am to oppress and hurt others and then thinking a few minutes of clasped hands will get you in my favour - no it really won't. In fact, worshipping me at all given that you seem to think you are somehow special and, get this, you're made in my image. Do I look like you, human? I. AM. NOT. YOUR. FATHER."

She suddenly calmed down, smiling in a whimsical manner that was only slightly creepy-as-hell.

"Since you had advanced to be sufficiently self-aware, I gave that wandering Jewish bloke some very simple rules. Even carved them into rock so you idiots wouldn't start changing their meaning. Instead you wrote a big book that referenced them before completely ignoring them. If a man lies with a man, thou shalt murder them horribly. Which part of did you fail to understand? Besides, there's nothing wrong with a man being with a man - haven't you idiots realised yet - if it exists, something is going to have sex with it. Look at dogs and lampposts."

"But... don't you think they are... you know... doing it wrong?"

"Of course. That's why sex is coded. Two people of the same gender can have sex. Won't do anything. You can have sex with a sheep. Won't do anything. You can have sex with a bear. Won't... actually, I'd pay good money to watch you idiots attempt to make out with bear. That's only going to end one way and I have all of time and space to fill with popcorn. Get to it, go screw bears, because I'm bored of you humans otherwise."

I wanted to ask something else, but God cut in. "I am especially bored of you. It's a minor cut. It's not a big deal. I gave that stupid fleshy body the ability to repair itself from minor damage, and that's exactly what that is. Minor. Go back to your pathetic uninteresting life. I will, however, leave the blood spray. You can clean that up for yourself. Consider that your atonement. Now get out of my sight."

I sat up for the second time. This time on the floor of a cold kitchen. There was about three inches of blood on the floor, and the wall was soaked. It looked like something out of The Shining. Thanks a lot, God.

Oh, and for all of the rest of you, God says Hi.

Your comments:

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Rick, 15th January 2025, 20:25

I wanted the Hebrew to be Hebrew, but a non Hebrew speaking person inserting legible Hebrew into a web page is clearly easier said than done.  לֹא תִּרְצָח (and, of course, it would work there, wouldn't it? on the page proper it worked in NetSurf (but backwards) and was mojibake with Chrome)

God, 16th January 2025, 21:11

This is proper crazy even by your standards.

Rick, 16th January 2025, 21:44

Thank you! 🥰

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