- entry 2016/02/26

Eurovision 2016 - UK National Selection

These are the random scribblings of a crazy person as the programme was broadcast live. It probably won't make much sense if you haven't seen the programme...

The biggest song selection process ever (in the UK, I presume?). Oh no. I have a bad feeling about this...

The introductions. The two girls looked interesting (based purely upon visuals), but nothing much impressed me. Certainly Mel's constant reference to the contest as "eurovish" is extremely grating.

Oh, look, they have dragged out Katrina...again... That was how long ago? (19 years - I feel really OLD!)

Okay, the Swedish winner of 2015 performing his winning song, followed by Mel hitting on him ever so slightly.

A rendered version of the stage in Sweden whizzed by. Lots of red?

Blah blah bloody blah. Are we going to hear the songs yet? How many times much it be said "you can't vote yet"? I mean, I know people still vote for UKIP because they're utterly stupid, but come on, this is patronising.

Blah bl...oh, finally, she's shut up. That must mean a song is about to begin. No, it is a squirm-inducing intro before the song, in fine Eurovision tradition.

The first act is Dulcima which is also the name of the girl. Is she really called Dulcima or were her parents trying to spell Dulcimer? (it's an instrument) They're talking about their favourite lyric. Right.
Okay, she's playing a violin and he is playing a banjo. She has a weird sounding voice. This sounds like a sort of country/folk style song with a clappy/waily section in the middle. They harmonise about as well as cats in heat. This is one of the best of hundreds of entries?

Second entry from a bloke that used to be in a boy band. Don't recognise him, either as he is now or from older video inserts. Don't recognise the name either - Matthew James. Looking on Wiki for Matthew James offers no entry for "some bloke that used to be in a boy band".
At least his intro was more coherent.
The song? In a word, no.
It's a better offering than the previous, but he's no Robbie Williams. It's a bloke standing there and singing a song with no movements beyond the obligatory microphone fondling. I'm trying to feel if it has something impressive to capture Eurovision. Remember, the UK doesn't need to pass a semi-final, so there's only one chance to impress. I just feel... meh.

Darline next. A much quieter song, country inspired. The girls harmonise together better than the first song. I quite like this, and not because they're girls. Blame the days of Sky Analogue when my receiver spent at least half of its time tuned to CMTE.
Mel also noted that they harmonised well. Katrina...overloaded her microphone, again, so she sounded like Emilie Autumn's Opheliac.

Right, unlike the contest proper, we're already halfway through.

Karl William Lund wrote and is now performing his own song. This sounds more like something you'd expect to hear at Eurovision. The thing is, there's no staging. No act. Just a bloke singing and some backing dancers in black to sort of melt into the scenery. Hmm, it sounds he has a voice processor (the reverb echo towards the end). Is that permitted?

The fifth song now. Bianca, a cellist who comes across totally different on stage to what I expected. This one is a sultry noisy number, and the red dress only makes it moreso. It has a real Love Shine A Light vibe, complete with the big build-up for the whole power ballad deal. Wouldn't it be funny if the UK won twice with songs about shining lights? I like this one. So did the panel.
Bianca. Beeeanker! I'm unable to think of that name without hearing the theme to Eastenders in my head.

Right. The final act. Joe and Jake. They were on...that singing program with the turning chairs. I dunno, I don't watch it. They sounded kind of lame in the interview but actually pretty good on stage. I'm listening to this, a poppy song that is sure to turn into a power ballad, and I'm thinking that (yup, there it goes cranking up a gear), anyway I'm thinking that the order of the songs is surely no accident. The acts have been getting suspiciously better as the programme has progressed, rather than being random. Obvious manipulation is obvious, don't you think?

Okay, that's it.

Who I like? Bianca. Who I think will win? Joe and Jake.

Will the UK have a hope? Well, I think it depends upon the other countries, but:

• Dulcima - nul pwah (even with the revised voting).
• Matthew James - dew pwah (one from Ireland, one from Malta).
• Darline - the second half of the board (sadly).
• Karl William Lund - the second half of the board.
• Bianca - ought to make it to the good half of the board.
• Joe and Jake - maybe in the good half of the board.

Hmm, a recap of Love Shine A Light 19 years later. I see that Katrina clearly has NO INDOOR VOICE. I'm surprised she didn't break that microphone as well.
The biggest, loudest, longest, standing ovation of the night. Well, what does that say about the other songs performed tonight?

Why am I bothering to watch the recap again? Everything has been set up for Joe and Jake to win this. It's as bad as the X-Factor sob story at the end of the programme being the "blows everyone away" entry.

A recap of Terry Wogan's funniest moments. Hehe, I remember SAGAPO.

And... Oh no! Brotherhood of Men and Bobbysox as old people! It's like karaoke night at the nursing home.
Still, nice to see a little more of that oddball Swedish host. She'll be co-hosting the contest proper. Yay. I wonder what they'll do to top the Swedish smosmagabo...whatever, you know the thing I mean even if I can't spell it.

Right then, the results are in. The winner is........a pointless "let's try to be dramatic" fifteen second pause before announcing........Joe and Jake!!!
Whee! What a surprise. Really didn't see that coming.

Well, it ought to do better than the usual British pile of fail. But, will it win? Well, we'll find out in three months.

I wonder if they'll release the results of the voting?

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David Pilling, 27th February 2016, 16:19

You do realise that leaving the EU means UK will never win Eurovision again. Tell us it means never taking part again...

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