- entry 2017/01/29

Yakuza Apocalypse

Uh...

With Takashi Miike, one has to expect the unexpected, and by god does this film deliver. Running in at a lengthy two hours minus a few minutes, the basic plot is a Yakuza boss is slain by an English-speaking bloke dressed in a Puritan outfit and carrying a little coffin on his back. The boss is beheaded because blasting him full of electricity just wasn't enough overkill.

Turns out that the boss was a vampire, albeit one who could walk around in the daytime. Said head bites the neck of one of his most loyal henchmen, turning him into a vampire. While he is freaking out over this, he bites somebody else (turning them) and so it spreads. But this, this being no ordinary movie, the biting makes them yakuza vampires. So henchman is trying to figure out his own power and how he is going to get revenge, aided by the all-knowing barkeep, while the town is falling apart in the background with the real yakuza being handed their asses by the turned townfolk yakuza. Are you still with me?

Along the way, there's the female second-in-yakuza-command with puss or milk or god only knows what squirting from her ears and delusions of planting seeds to grow human children (presumably for their blood?). There's a stinky beak-faced Kappa Goblin (wiki it) who actually manages to be hamtastic in such a bizarre film. There's a mouthy schoolgirl in a sailor outfit (it's a Japanese film, that's practically obligatory), and there's a frog man (two words, not one) that turns up wearing a giant frog costume, riding a bike, ringing its bell. Frog man delivers such an ass-kicking that the townsfolk vampires run away. Well, those who are still undead, that is. He's also capable of a killer death glare. Are you with me? Are you with me?

Don't worry if you aren't. The film ends with a total Gainax ending, and as the credits roll you'll have loads more questions than answers until you realise that even the questions don't make sense.

It's absolutely not a movie for kids, but if you fancy some over the top cartoon style gore with a cast gleefully giving their depraved characters their all, then enjoy this nearly two hours of pure unadulterated What the f.........did I just watch?

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