Rick's b.log - entry 2018/05/11

Eurovision 2018 - the Eurovision game

Vince tells me he will be Tweeting his thoughts as the night progresses - Vince, if you didn't watch either of the semi finals (or read my commentary), have a box of tissues for Lithuania and earplugs for Hungary.
Who will win? The bookies currently reckon Cyprus (God knows why, it's meh at best). I can tell you who it won't be...

Now, there's a game that can be played during the contest. In order to play, pour yourself a drink. If a child or non-drinker, fizzy drinks, milk, tea (etc) work just as well. Don't worry about hot drinks, they won't go cold.

During the performances

• There's a key change
• The wind machine is switched on
• Pyrotechnics
• Ticker tape / confetti / little shiny things fall from the ceiling
  • Take a glug if it happens while there are pyrotechnics happening
• Interaction with video effects (practical projection, inserted into the video stream (as this year), or a video wall (hello Sweden and Russia)
• The obligatory costume change
• Somebody somewhere is in "national costume"
• You (if female), your girlfriend/sister/wife (if male), your mother (otherwise) wears more than that to go to bed
• It's Greek, it's male, it's buff
• The performer has facial hair
  • Take a glug if said performer is female
• You can't tell if the performer is male or female (applies separately for every performer)
• The song is clearly aimed at the pink demographic
• The song has something to do with "let's all be friends" or "world peace" (watch out for Israel and Russia here)
• Something sounds suspiciously close to getting crap past the radar ("on the motha-bucka beat")
• It's Irish and it's a ballad
• It's French and it sounds like Céline Dion
• It's from any of the countries of the former Yugoslavia and it is melancholy
• You catch a line sung in a different language (applies separately for every line, even if repeated)
  • Take a glug if the entire song is in a language that isn't English
  • Take another glug if you realise that it might be supposed to be English
• The song is the most awful thing you have heard and can only have been entered to ensure the country does NOT win
• The song is a rehash of the previous winner, Euphoria, or anything Abbaesque.
• It's an "ethnic song".
  • Take a glug for each "ethnic" instrument you spot
• Down a mouthful if it's a crap song with a great performance
• Down a mouthful if your only reaction is a stunned "WTF was that?" (Bosnia 2008 being a reference example; as is the world's (to date) only falsetto vampire dubstep opera )

During the voting

• The United Kingdom gets a point
  • Finish the glass if the United Kingdom gets douze pwah
• Neighbours clearly voting for each other (come now, you know the patterns by now)
• Douze pwah to a song you detest
• The national vote presenters try chatting up the hosts
  • Take a glug if they gush about how great the show was
  • Take a glug if they try saying something to the presenters in their own language
    • Finish the glass if they then manage to cock up giving the results
• A result arrives which means that NO country is left on the board with null pwah.
• You can call which country will get douze pwah before it's announced
• The vote presenter (either country or one of the hosts) includes a naff "dramatic........pause"
• The country vote presenter is unavailable due to "technical reasons" (rubbish: Sarajevo managed to get through a call to Millstreet from the middle of a warzone!)

Other

• The presenters crack a joke and you feel your entire body cringe
• The presenters are not wearing what they were wearing previously
• They refer to "The Green Room" which is neither green nor a room
• The interval act outshines everything else in the contest
  • Just finish the glass if Petra Mede is involved...
• Take a glug if a song you liked wins
• ...finish the glass if it's one you predicted (up to the close of voting)
• ...and again if it's a song not sung in English
• ...and again if the song that tops the jury vote also tops the televote

Remember: Drink in moderation - you do want to make it to the end of the show, right?

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